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“You have arrived at this page because somewhere deep inside you — beneath the scar tissue, beneath the decades of disappointment, beneath the coaching carousels and the missed field goals and the trades that looked good in April — there is a fan who still believes. We salute you.”

What You Actually Get

Fuller content of the day’s top stories — for all 32 NFL teams, every single day.

Free subscribers see the front page headlines and teasers, team by team. All-Access subscribers get the full articles — every story, complete, delivered to your inbox every day, for every NFL team in the network, not just this one. Same articles. Just longer. Fuller. The whole thing. No “keep reading.”

Plus Seven Weeks of Bonus Content.
One Per Week. Every Cycle. Every Team.

Every All-Access subscriber gets one bonus content piece per week, every week, rotating through all seven formats — and it is not limited to one team. Your subscription unlocks the full Bonus Content library across all 32 NFL team sites in the network. Here is exactly what that looks like on the Eagles page specifically — the full thing, live, right here, so you know exactly what you are getting before you spend a single dime.

Week One — You Get This
Real Fake Trivia Game

A full Jeopardy-style board built entirely around your team’s history, lore, disasters, and occasional moments of glory. Four categories. Five clues each. $200 through $1,000. The $1,000 questions are genuinely hard. We verified every fact. We are not kidding about that part. Click on any one of the boxes and start the game!

Faithful Files The Philly Special The Sirianni-Hurts Era Snowballs & Santa
$200$200$200$200
$400$400$400$400
$600$600$600$600
$800$800$800$800
$1,000$1,000$1,000$1,000

That’s Week One. Next week you get this →

Week Two — You Get This
Classified Ads

Nine satirical classified ads, three columns, all team-specific. FOR SALE. WANTED. LOST & FOUND. HELP WANTED. ANNOUNCEMENT. NOTICE. PERSONALS. OBITUARIES. The CONTACT line is always the punchline. Always.

For Sale

A.J. Brown — Traded to New England, Patriots Now Have a Problem

A.J. Brown was traded to the New England Patriots this offseason. He was one of the top three receivers in the NFL. He is now in New England. The Eagles received draft capital. The Eagles have won the Super Bowl with and without receiving personnel of that caliber. The offensive line is considered the heartbeat of the operation. The heartbeat is intact. Brown is in New England. The Eagles are not particularly concerned.

ContactEagles front office. They traded Brown. They received picks. They have J. Hurts and a new offensive coordinator. They have won before. They intend to win again. They are not elaborating further.
Wanted

A Third Consecutive NFC East Title — Two Already On File, Third Under Construction

The Eagles won the NFC East in 2024 and 2025 — the first back-to-back division titles since 2003–04. The Eagles are pursuing a third. N. Sirianni has five consecutive playoff seasons. The new offensive coordinator is S. Mannion. J. Hurts is J. Hurts. The NFC East has been notified. The notification was not well-received by the Cowboys, Giants, or Commanders.

ContactLincoln Financial Field. It has hosted five consecutive playoff-qualifying seasons. It is ready for a sixth. Eagles Nation has confirmed readiness. The NFC East has also confirmed — reluctantly — that the Eagles are the team to beat.
Lost & Found

Jeff Stoutland — Departed After 11 Seasons, Offensive Line Still Elite Despite His Exit

J. Stoutland served as Eagles offensive line coach from 2013 to 2025, developing what became the best offensive line in the NFL over that stretch. He has departed. The offensive line he built remains. His replacement has been hired. The transition is being described as smooth. Eagles Nation is monitoring the smoothness carefully.

ContactThe offensive line. It was built by Stoutland. It is now being coached by someone else. It remains the best unit in the NFC. It has not acknowledged the transition in any dramatic way. It is an offensive line. It simply blocks.
Help Wanted

Offensive Coordinator — Another New One, Fourth in Five Years, Hurts Adapts

S. Mannion arrives as offensive coordinator in 2026. He was previously the Packers’ quarterbacks coach. He has never coordinated in the NFL. He has J. Hurts, DeVonta Smith, Dallas Goedert, and a historically elite offensive line. J. Hurts has adapted to each new coordinator. J. Hurts considers adapting part of the job.

ContactJ. Hurts. He has a new offensive coordinator. He has had several. He adapts. He has always adapted. He won a Super Bowl. He appeared in another one. He is adapting again. He is very good at this.
Announcement

Official Statement: The Eagles Are Still the Eagles and Everyone Is Aware of This

The Philadelphia Eagles announce that they are the two-time defending NFC East champions, have made five consecutive playoff appearances, have one Lombardi Trophy in the display case, and are pursuing another. A.J. Brown has departed. The offensive line is intact. J. Hurts is healthy. S. Mannion is the new OC. Eagles Nation has been informed. Eagles Nation was already informed. Eagles Nation invented informed.

ContactEagles Nation. They were there when the Eagles won the Super Bowl. They were there for the five consecutive playoff seasons. They are there now. They are always there. They are extremely loud about being there. The NFC East respects this.
For Sale
Sold

The 2025 NFC East Title — Two-Time Defending Champions, Trophy Already Displayed

The Eagles won their second consecutive NFC East title in 2025, the first team to repeat since 2003–04. The trophy has been received and displayed. N. Sirianni has noted that the goal is not the NFC East title. The goal is the Lombardi. The display case contains both the intermediate step and the Lombardi. Both are real. Both are displayed.

ContactThe display case. It contains the Lombardi from 2024 and two NFC East titles. It has space. It has been informed the space is intentional. More hardware is expected. The display case is prepared.
Notice

Attn: NFC East — We Have the Lombardi, the Division Titles, and the Offensive Line

The Philadelphia Eagles formally notify the NFC East that they are the defending champions of the division and the conference. The Cowboys have Lamb, Pickens, and a drama-free offseason. The Giants have Harbaugh and Dart. The Commanders have a healthy Daniels returning. The Eagles have J. Hurts, an elite offensive line, and a Lombardi Trophy. The Eagles are the pick to win the division again. The Eagles did not write that. ESPN did. The Eagles agree with ESPN.

ContactThe NFC East. It has received this notice. It has received similar notices for two consecutive years. It is not enjoying receiving them. The Eagles have noted the NFC East’s displeasure. The Eagles are not particularly concerned by the displeasure.
Personals

Seeking: Super Bowl LXI — Have the Quarterback, Have the Line, Have the Receipts

Eagles Nation, lifelong, Philadelphia and beyond. Have watched the Super Bowl win. Have watched two consecutive NFC East titles. Have J. Hurts and the best offensive line in the NFC. Have a new OC and a new challenge without A.J. Brown. Are not particularly worried about the A.J. Brown situation. The offensive line has been consulted. The offensive line is not worried either. It simply blocks.

ContactEagles Nation. They are the loudest fanbase in the NFC. They have the receipts. They have the ring. They are going for another one. They are not asking permission. They never ask permission. This is considered a feature.
Obituaries

The NFC East’s Sense of Competitive Balance — Passed Sometime Around 2024

Passed quietly as the Eagles claimed their second consecutive division title, having made five straight playoff appearances and won one Super Bowl. The Cowboys, Giants, and Commanders attended the service and were asked for comment. The balance is survived by hope, the draft, and the belief that any of this will change in 2026. Eagles Nation considers this optimism. It is also considered optimism by the Eagles.

ContactThe NFC East. It was once the most competitive division in football. It is currently the Eagles’ division. The Cowboys, Giants, and Commanders are working on changing this. The Eagles have noted their effort. The Eagles are not slowing down.

That’s Week Two. The week after that you get this →

Week Three — You Get This
Top Ten List

A full team-specific Top Ten list. Completely deadpan. Treats every item with total journalistic seriousness. The list below is a sample. Yours will be specific to your team’s particular situation, history, and ongoing triumphs and disasters.

Top Ten Things You Can Buy for $24 at Lincoln Financial Field
  • 10.One domestic beer, purchased directly beneath the in-stadium courtroom, just in case. The courtroom has been arraigning unruly fans since 1997. It has never been busier than during a Cowboys game.
  • 9.Parking, guarded by an eagle statue that has seen things. It does not blink. It has never once blinked, not even during the re-enactments of the Snowball Game.
  • 8.A framed photo of the Tush Push mid-shove, on loan from the display case. Other teams have formally requested it be banned. The photo remains. The rule remains. The push remains unstoppable.
  • 7.One replica Super Bowl LIX ring, marked down slightly now that there’s a second ring in the case and the novelty has worn off. Just slightly.
  • 6.A can of anti-grease spray, marketed to opposing fans hoping to climb the poles outside the Linc after a loss. It has never once worked. The poles remain greased. The city remains undefeated in pole preparation.
  • 5.A Saquon Barkley bobblehead, imported directly from the Meadowlands, still adjusting to the new colors. It runs for extra yardage if you shake it hard enough. Allegedly.
  • 4.Half a soft pretzel, the other half already sold to a Giants fan who wandered in by mistake. He left with the pretzel and a headache. Eagles Nation considers this a fair trade.
  • 3.One “Fly Eagles Fly” foam finger, slightly worn from pointing at the scoreboard since 2017. It has pointed at two championship trophies specifically.
  • 2.Four months of this subscription. Which includes 16 pieces of premium satirical content, a trivia game, classified ads, a children’s book, and a staff that has covered this fanbase long enough to know exactly what “we don’t talk about December 2023” means.
  • 1.Hope, sold at full price, no discount, because at this point hope in Philadelphia comes with actual receipts. Two of them. Framed. Right next to the courtroom docket.

    • That’s Week Three. Week Four brings this →

    Week Four — You Get This
    Fake eBay Listing

    Seven team-specific fake eBay listings, ready to go every cycle, styled exactly like the real site — photo, description, seller, and current bid. The items are always something your team has misplaced, squandered, or never possessed. Reserve has not been met, and never may be met.

    Vintage Helmet — MIDNIGHT GREEN
    Seller: broad_street_bully
    Condition: Historically Significant
    A classic midnight green helmet with silver wings. It reminds us of a time before the Great Collapse of 2023, when we actually knew how to tackle and run a functioning offense.
    $4,133
    current bid
    Deflated Football — FLATTENED, ‘The 2023 Offense’
    Seller: brian_johnson_ghost
    Condition: Philosophically Compromised
    A completely flattened, deflated football. It perfectly represents our offense during the final six weeks of the 2023 season when we went from 10-1 to a wild card exit.
    $10
    current bid
    Play Sheet — PRISTINE, ‘The Tush Push Manual’
    Seller: nick_sirianni_smirk
    Condition: Cautiously Optimistic
    Nick Sirianni’s laminated play sheet. It’s completely blank except for a giant diagram of the Brotherly Shove in the center. If it ain’t broke, just run it 40 times a game.
    $92
    current bid
    2023 Calendar — TORN, ‘The Collapse’
    Seller: matt_patricia_defense
    Condition: Structurally Unsound
    A 2023 calendar with December and January violently ripped out. We were 10-1. We were the best team in football. And then we just stopped playing. We don’t talk about those months.
    $10
    current bid
    Super Bowl LII Ring — GLEAMING, ‘Philly Special’
    Seller: nick_foles_statue
    Condition: Historically Haunted
    A gleaming silver Super Bowl LII ring. We stare at it every time the defense gives up a 3rd and 30. You want Philly Philly? Yeah, we want it back too.
    $4,133
    current bid
    Green Mouthguard — UNUSED, ‘The Saquon Era’
    Seller: howie_roseman_magic
    Condition: Emotionally Unavailable
    A pristine green mouthguard. We stole Saquon Barkley from the Giants and we’re going to run him behind our offensive line until he breaks the rushing record. Sorry, New York.
    $26
    current bid
    Dog Mask — WORN, ‘Hungry Dogs Run Faster’
    Seller: lincoln_financial_faithful
    Condition: Enduringly Loyal
    A slightly worn, dark green dog mask from the 2017 playoff run. We might boo our own team at halftime, but we’ll still wear this mask and bark at opposing fans in the parking lot.
    $6
    current bid

    That’s Week Four. Then comes this →

    Week Five — You Get This
    The Outer Limits Enquirer

    One team-specific Outer Limits Enquirer front page, every cycle. Completely straight-faced. It sells itself — that’s how funny it is.

    ■ Transmission Received — Parallel Universe Dispatch ■
    Outer Limits Enquirer — Eagles edition front page
    Signal Strong — Standing By

    That’s Week Five. Week Six delivers this →

    Week Six — You Get This
    NFL Competition Committee Proposes

    Four new proposed NFL rules, each presented with complete regulatory seriousness. The title is always “THE NFL COMPETITION COMMITTEE PROPOSES:” followed by the rule name. Three to five sentences of deadpan satire. A new batch of four rules, every seven-week cycle.

    Official Proposal 1 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    The Feelings Rule

    Effective immediately, any player who is visibly sad after a penalty will be allowed to challenge the call on emotional grounds. The replay official will review the player’s expression in slow motion. If certified “genuinely devastated” by a panel of three therapists stationed in the press box, the penalty is waived. The Dallas Cowboys have already filed 847 pre-season challenges.

    Official Proposal 2 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    Mandatory Honesty From Coaches

    Starting in 2026, head coaches will be required to answer one post-game question with complete honesty. The question will be selected at random by a wheel spin. Early testing was abandoned after three coaches resigned, one cried, and Bill Belichick’s honest answer was legally classified as a threat.

    Official Proposal 3 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    The Participation Fumble

    In an effort to make fumbles less discouraging, any fumble recovered by the opposing team will now be referred to as an “unintentional lateral.” The player who fumbled will receive a certificate of effort. The team that recovered it will receive six points. Both outcomes will be celebrated equally on the official broadcast.

    Official Proposal 4 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    Announcer Accuracy Ratings

    All play-by-play announcers will now be graded in real time by a panel of former players. Phrases such as “he just wanted it more,” “that’s a football player right there,” and “you cannot teach that” will trigger an automatic fine of $500 per occurrence. Early projections suggest the league will be debt-free by Week 3.

    That’s Week Six. And saving the best for last →

    Week Seven — You Get This
    The Children’s Book
    A Landolfi Media Original

    A fully illustrated satirical children’s book, team-specific, written for the fan who has a child who needs to understand why Sunday afternoons are like this. The illustrations are beautiful. The subject matter is not. Both things are intentional.

    Your Team’s Complete Illustrated History — Included With Every Subscription
    “Philadelphia, 1933”
    The Story of the Philadelphia Eagles — Read the Full Book Below, Cover to Last Page
    Philadelphia, 1933 — page viewer
    Philadelphia, 1933
    The Story of the Philadelphia Eagles.
    A Landolfi Media Children’s Book.
    Page 1 of 11
    Complete Illustrated History · Cover + 10 Pages · Included With Paid Subscription

    In the upcoming weeks and months with your paid subscription, you can also look forward to titles like these:

    Also In Development — Next Release
    “Why Does Daddy Cry On Sundays?”
    A heartwarming story about a father, his team, and the annual tradition of explaining to a seven-year-old why the season is technically over in Week Eleven. Daddy is going to be okay. He has been through this before. He loves his team. That is the whole story.
    In Development · Fully Illustrated · Coming Soon
    Also In Development
    “Daddy’s Team Is Very Special (Just Not At Football)”
    A celebration of everything a football team can be excellent at besides winning football games. The uniforms are nice. The stadium is large. The merchandise is widely available. A story about finding joy in the details when the scoreboard is unkind.
    In Development · Fully Illustrated · Coming Soon
    Also In Development
    “The Night We Almost Made the Playoffs”
    A timeless bedtime story about a very special evening in December when everything was possible. The math worked out. The other teams lost. The tickets were being researched. And then the fourth quarter happened. A story about hope, arithmetic, and the importance of not checking the score too early.
    In Development · Fully Illustrated · Coming Soon

    What Subscribers Are Saying

    “I read the trivia card about the Santa Claus incident to my kids and had to explain, at length, why we were the ones who did that. They seemed proud. I am still working through it.”
    — J. Cerrone, South Philly · 6-Month Subscriber
    “My uncle from Jersey drives in every Sunday and refuses to leave until the Tush Push is on the highlight reel at least twice. This newsletter has cut fifteen minutes off that wait by giving him something to read in the car.”
    — M. Ianuzzi, Fishtown · 3-Month Subscriber
    “Cancelled during the 2023 collapse out of what I can only describe as protective self-care. Resubscribed the day of Super Bowl LIX. My therapist and I both consider this progress.”
    — Anonymous · Auto-Renew, No Regrets
    “I forwarded the eBay listing for the deflated 2023 football to my brother-in-law, a Cowboys fan. He has not responded in nine days. Worth every penny.”
    — R. Delvecchio, Manayunk · 4-Month Subscriber
    “My daughter’s second-grade class did a report using the children’s book. The teacher called it ‘surprisingly well-sourced.’ I did not correct her.”
    — K. Amato, Northeast Philly · 8-Month Subscriber
    “I keep the classified ads printed and taped inside my work locker. My coworker, also an Eagles fan, reads them silently every Monday and says nothing. This is peak Philadelphia communication.”
    — Anonymous · 5-Month Subscriber
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    All Access — Every Team
    $9/mo

    Everything in Free, plus full daily articles and one new Bonus Content drop every week on a rotating seven-week cycle — a fan trivia game, a fake eBay auction, classified ads, The Outer Limits Enquirer, a children’s book parody, a Top Ten List, and an NFL Competition Committee ruling — for all 32 NFL teams in the network, the Eagles included. Plus the complete archive, for every team, from day one.

    Go All Access
    30¢

    Per Day. For Every Team. That Is All We Are Asking.

    $9 per month…just 30 cents / day. That works out to be 3 dimes exactly, or a quarter and a nickel. And it is no longer just one team — that 30 cents covers full articles and Bonus Content for all 32 NFL teams in the network. We are asking you to spend the cost of approximately nothing to have your suffering (and everyone else’s) witnessed, documented, and returned to you in a funnier format than it arrived.

    Other Things You Could Buy for 30¢
    ( If For Some Reason You Really and Truly Didn’t Want to Laugh Today )

    1. A quarter at a vending machine, with a nickel left over. That nickel is yours to keep. It is the only refund this list offers.
    2. Just under a third of a gumball from a machine that still exists somewhere in 1987.
    3. The look on someone’s face when you tell them you subscribe to a satirical NFL newsletter that covers all 32 teams. That look is free. The newsletter is 30 cents a day.
    4. A little over a third of a postage stamp. Stamps are about 80¢ now. Your 30¢ covers roughly the top third. This is not enough to mail anything to anyone. This subscription delivers considerably more — for every NFL team.
    5. About three-quarters of a birthday candle. The kind from the dollar store 10-pack. It will burn for a little over a minute. This subscription burns considerably longer, covers every NFL team, and produces significantly more joy and marginally less wax.
    6. 0.00002% of your team’s starting quarterback’s daily salary. He earns more between breakfast and the first snap than you will spend on this subscription in a year. This year that figure also covers 31 other starting quarterbacks’ teams. We thought you should know that. We are not sure why. It felt relevant.
    7. Nothing at a parking meter in any American city built after 1990. The meter will reject your 30 cents. We will not reject your 30 cents. We will give you seven weeks of content for it — for every NFL team.
    8. A shot glass of gasoline, which might be just enough to get you to an ATM to take out $9 for your first month of All-Access. The math works. The metaphor also works. Please do not drink the gasoline.

    Hey — you’ve made it this far. You’ve looked at all seven weeks of bonus content you’ll be receiving — for all 32 NFL teams, not just this one. You’ve also seen that you’ll be getting daily, full-length headline articles from the entire network — every side article, too. Obviously you love your team with a passion to have lasted this long and smiled this much.

    Yep. We can see you.

    There’s nothing left to do but spend the 30¢ / day and have this feeling — for every NFL team — last the whole year through.

    I mean really — what more is there to think about? Do you want to smile today (and every day) or not?

    “By subscribing you acknowledge that you are a fan in good standing, that you have suffered, that you will continue to suffer, and that $9 per month is a reasonable fee for having that suffering — and the suffering of 31 other NFL fanbases — witnessed and documented with the respect it deserves. Cancel anytime. Your team will not cancel anything. Neither will the other 31. They will all be here next season. And the season after that.”

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